Loneliness during pregnancy

A pink cloud, yet feeling lonely or down?

Are you pregnant or have you just become a mother? You might be feeling lonely or sad, and that’s completely normal. Magazines, social media, and other mothers often highlight the “pink cloud,” the perfect, happy image of pregnancy and motherhood. That makes it even harder to admit that you actually feel lonely. Or that you’re not happy.

But many pregnant women and new mothers feel exactly that way. You can be thrilled about your baby and still feel down. And that’s not strange at all. Your life suddenly changes dramatically. You might not be able to join in on everything anymore. You have new responsibilities. All that can make you feel isolated. Loneliness is a tough feeling. But it’s not the same as depression, even if it may look similar from the outside. And: you’re definitely not the only one who feels this way!

Feeling lonely, guilty, or ashamed? These are all perfectly normal emotions. You are not alone.

Lonely while pregnant

When you become pregnant, it can feel like a whole new world opens up. Full of hope and anticipation, but also with limitations. You might need to get used to a quieter social life. You get tired earlier in the evening and can’t just eat or drink whatever you used to. Meanwhile, your (child-free) friends can still do everything they want. And if your partner continues their old lifestyle, that can sting even more. This can leave you feeling empty, excluded, or disconnected.

Maybe you didn’t have many social connections to begin with, but now you have a stronger need to share experiences. Or maybe you’ve had to stop working early for health reasons during a difficult pregnancy. In short, there are many reasons why you might not feel like yourself. And many women experience the same thing.

What can you do?

These feelings usually don’t go away on their own: you have to take action. First, talk about it. With someone you trust. Or with your midwife or doctor. Share your story. You can also look up the hashtag #eerlijkzwanger ("honestly pregnant”). More and more women are using it to share their real, unfiltered experiences of pregnancy.

Not happy about being pregnant

Whether your pregnancy was planned or unexpected, it’s completely possible that you don’t enjoy being pregnant. That might be because of all the changes your body is going through. Things you can’t control. For some women, that lack of control is difficult.

It can also be hard when everyone around you only focuses on your belly. Constantly asking how your pregnancy is going, while you might not even want to talk about it. But of course, you can’t hide your belly. Pregnancy is visible to the whole world, and the world assumes you’re blissfully happy on that “pink cloud.”

What can you do?

Try not to get lost in all those 100% happy images on social media or TV. Seek out different stories, foe example the less visible side of pregnancy. You can start with the #eerlijkzwanger hashtag mentioned above. Midwives are becoming more aware of the less pleasant emotions that can come up during pregnancy. Don’t be afraid to talk about them. You’re not the only one.

A new mom, but feeling down

And then suddenly, you’re a mother. Wonderful, of course, but it’s also a huge life change. Your relationship with your partner shifts. And everywhere you go, you’re now “the mom,” because the attention goes to your baby first. Your social life might be on hold for a while. Maybe you feel disconnected from your old friends, or left behind.

The new responsibilities can feel heavy. You might worry about money or the future. Feeling down is completely normal. Talk to your maternity nurse, or someone you trust.

Did you know that most new mothers describe the first year with their first baby as the loneliest year of their lives? Many experience feelings of depression as a result. You are definitely not the only one.

And remember: loneliness is not the same as depression. You can even take an online self-test to check in with yourself.

When you feel ashamed

Everyone around you seems to “know how it’s supposed to be.” And when you do or feel things differently, you might feel ashamed. Maybe you chose a C-section instead of a natural birth.
Maybe you don’t want to breastfeed. Maybe you want to return to work quickly and send your baby to daycare. Maybe you didn’t instantly feel that “overwhelming love” everyone talks about. As a “newborn mother,” it’s easy to worry about what others think, or to judge yourself harshly.

But know that these are all very normal feelings. Those moms who seem to have it all together? They also sometimes look forward to their kids’ bedtime, even in the morning. Or they secretly wish for just a moment back in their pre-baby life. Relax. You’re doing great. Motherhood takes growth. The perfect mother? She’s the one who’s kind to herself, too.

You’re not alone

One thing’s for sure: you are not alone. Share how you feel. Seek out others’ experiences.

Here are a few helpful links (mostly in Dutch):

Honest stories about pregnancy worries and emotions: www.eerlijkzwanger.nl
Self-test: Am I lonely? Eenzaamheid - zelftest - Eenzaamheid Informatie Centrum
What is loneliness? Eén tegen eenzaamheid | Eén tegen eenzaamheid
Podcast Sht Happens*: the other side of motherhood
Spotify link

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